Happy May…… I know I know, it is already the 17th of May, and I am acting like it is the 1st of May, heck, I wish it was. Where is the time going?
I’m Stuck Guys. Yano when you get your car stuck in the mud, because you TOTES shouldn’t have driven in such muddy conditions in the first place, and you spend ages trying to get yourself out of that mud. Wheels turning, mud flying everywhere, you may even need to get some people to give you a hand to get out. Thats kinda how I feel right now.
It’s #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek and whilst I think this is brilliant – I am so pleased that there is a week dedicated to this, I do think that people should be mindful of mental health all throughout the year.
I am stuck in a LIFE RUT, and I am not entirely sure how to get out of it. I can’t quite help feel that I am a failure, and that I am disappointed in myself. Constant disappointment in yourself isn’t good for your self esteem, thus not good at achieving a healthy motivated mind. I’ve worked so hard towards my degree, ever since I began it in 2012, and I quite help feel I am letting it slip out of my grip.
I only have this one project to go, and whilst I absolutely love the topic I am doing it on, (educating people about OCD, which I am sure you are all already aware – please follow my new Twitter!!) I am extremely passionate about it, and I am receiving all sorts of lovely supportive comments for doing it. The trouble is, sometimes I find working on this topic somewhat triggering, and in some cases can make me feel extremely anxious, resulting in me curling up in a ball and not being able to do any more work on it for a day or so. I like to believe that sleep can cure anything. You can be in a right grumble but you can go to sleep and awake the next day, feeling positive, and energetic, and generally much happier than before you went to sleep.
This doesn’t seem to be the case at the moment.
I wake up. anxious. low. don’t want to get up, but my stomach is ROARING. I get up. Eat. Shower. Meditate. Feel better for about 30 mins or so. anxious. low. anxious. low. Eat…. you get the picture.
They say you only truly feel *better* when you are working on the THING that is causing you all of the stress to begin with, and I suppose that is true. I feel a lot more positive about life when I am actually working on my project work – and I usually really enjoy it. But then intrusive thoughts come along…. THIS ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH KAYLEIGH. YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL. YOU NEED TO DO MORE. YOU ARE DISAPPOINTING YOURSELF – YOUR FAMILY TOO. YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER. YOU HAVE THIS FOR LIFE. This then makes me question what I am doing, and I try to come up with something better but then I just tumble and tumble and tumble, basically spiralling and going in a circle, basically getting nothing done. How do you get yourself out of this?
A lot of people keep saying on Twitter that they are so pleased to see me ‘happy again’ with my boyfriend and things, and whilst that might look the case on my social media, it doesn’t mean I am COMPLETELY happy, recently I have just chosen to showcase my positive attributes on my social media, rather than my negative. I worry that I moan moan moan far too much, and I don’t want to come across as a negative person, because berries are meant to be flipping happy.
Saying that, please note I am very grateful for Jordan at the moment, he’s amazing, and wonderful and he does makes me feel happy when I am with him, as well as far less anxious. But I can’t be with him all the time can I?!
In a recent post about my anti-depressant experience I mentioned how I felt kind of emotionless whilst taking fluoxetine, and I am not sure what has changed but I have been REALLY teary lately, I even had a little cry at the doctors last week – boo. During my appointment last week I told my doctor I was in a lot of pain, and whilst she didn’t know what was wrong at the time she wanted me to keep an eye on it, the pain has been getting worse, so I will probably be making another appointment over the next few days. I don’t want to ask for longer on my work so I am just trying to do my best right now, even though my back and stomach hurts even more when leaning over my work. We will see won’t we.
Does anyone else feel like this at the moment? What have you been doing to help stay motivated, and happy within yourself? Do send me your tips – would love to hear them!
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