Thursday, 5 November 2015

LIFESTYLE | A 'LITTLE' Honest, Brave, Life Update


A 'LITTLE' Honest, Brave, Life Update


Hello lovelies,

Today's post is going to be a little bit different today, kind of written in a story tale manner, a sneaky glimpse into my thoughts at the moment. It isn't the most positive of posts, something I usually try to avoid on VBC, but I do think it is a important one. I still don't think mental health is taken seriously enough, and it really should be.

I get told a lot that I look really happy all that time, so I can't suffer from OCD? But that just isn't the case sadly. My picture above, I look really happy, but you will see below that I am not really. Just because someone looks happy on the outside, doesn't mean they are happy on the inside, please do remember that, if that is all you remember from this post. 

Say something kind to someone today, it could really make their entire day, week, month, year, life. 

Hope you enjoy the post guys, do let me know your thoughts in the comments!


A 'LITTLE' Honest, Brave, Life Update

8am - *Beeeeeep* *Beeeeeep*

Ugh, not time to get up again... I don't want to face the world today, can I just have 15 more minutes please?  *Snoozes* *again* *again *again*

9.30am - Okay, should probably get up now Kayleigh, you said that you wanted to be super productive today, if you don't get up now, you are going to fail your final year at university, what a waste of money that would be?! Your parents are going to be so so disappointed in you.... ... how would you tell them?

10.30am - Okay so I am up, off to the library I go. But I just don't feel AT ALL creative today. I can't spend my day AGAIN staring at a blank piece of paper in my sketchbook. I am trying to remain calm but my deadline is in like a week, what on EARTH am I going to do? I wish a juicy, visually pleasing idea would just fall onto my page, or at least into my head. Creative block sucks man....

12pm - How about have a browse at some graphic design online? Grab a bit of inspiration, talk to your friends, see how their projects are going? Oh man, I wish I didn't speak to anyone.. their ideas and graphics are amazing  / gorgeous. You can't do this. You aren't creative enough, you are doing the wrong course. 

1pm - LUNCHTIME.  Thank god. Do you even deserve a lunchtime since you still haven't done any productive work? But of course you have to eat... let's watch some Netflix... do I really want to look at another screen? Probably not.... proper wasting my subscription here... you are wasting so much money at the moment Kayleigh, you need to stop spending so much, what happens if you run out?

1.30pm - Do I dare take a peek at my blog emails? I don't know... you really shouldn't have left them to pile up for two weeks, that was silly of you wasn't it. Now I am just too anxious to look at them, what if I have let people down - man I have so many posts that *need* doing. I am also way too busy to pick up anymore commitments at the moment too :( 


If you don't keep up blogging, people are going to lose interest in your blog. 

2pm - Back to the library. Time to stare at a blank sheet of paper again..........

4pm - OOOOH. A lightbulb moment, I HAVE AN IDEAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Let's get to work. 

6pm - Oh. It didn't turn out like I had hoped, why does it never turn out how you imagine it in your head? You have a really amazing idea in your head Kayleigh, but that work on your piece of paper is just awful. You are either going to have to present that to your group tomorrow, or present nothing at all. Life hey. 

I can't carry on with uni work right now, I just feel so so sad. But I dare not show it. Got to keep that BIG smile on my face, can't let anyone think that anything is wrong. They might then ask questions... and then you might c r y. like proper, ugly cry.

You were doing so well on placement year, you even felt your OCD had improved. HAHA. you were wrong. I am still here. 

7pm - You aren't getting anywhere with this work, so why are you even bothering to stay in the library? You should just go home. OH, but you haven't done anything worthwhile all day, so whatever you do when you get home, you are going to feel bad about, because you could be 'working' instead. There is no relaxation until May, when you finish your degree. If. you finish your degree.

8pm - Food time, but you are going to eat it quick, and attempt to do some of your dissertation before bedtime. 

*ends up being distracted by fun things that housemates are doing*

11pm - Oh I feel so guilty. I hate myself.

All your housemates are asleep, but you can't sleep. You haven't done enough today! They deserve their sleep, they have done loads of work. Stop comparing yourself Kayleigh, but it is the truth, you just don't deserve to sleep until you at least have completed some work. Oh god, I don't have anything to show at the session tomorrow, everyone is going to have loads. You are going to look silly, like you haven't even tried, but you have, you just aren't getting anywhere. 

2am - Can't sleep, too anxious about deadlines, life, and what tomorrow will bring. Shall I get up and do some work? May as well do some if I am just lying here.

4am - Eventually sleep, but up in 4 hours..... not a great start for the next day is it really. 

& it repeats.

Hope you enjoyed this post lovelies, I realise this post makes me seem a little bit nuts, does anyone else ever feel like this? Does anyone have any techniques to share to get out of this rut? I try to be a positive person for the majority of the time, but I am really struggling with motivation at the moment.

I really didn't have time to write this at all to be honest - I am hating on myself for writing it instead of putting my energy into writing my dissertation, but I really felt I needed to vent my thoughts out, and oh it has helped :) BRING ON MAY

ALSO, my tutor told me today to stop being so hard on myself, I guess it is hard when my nasty inner voice is saying all the above ^^ to me, but please Kayleigh, stop being so hard on yourself deary.

I am trying my absolute best to keep my blog up whilst completing my final year!!!!! I miss you :( 
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19 comments

  1. I completely relate to this! I'm doing fashion design at uni, and I've been in similar positions with projects where I am getting nowhere with ideas, but watching everyone else ploughing through with amazing sketchbooks and amazing garments. I never really know how to properly deal with creative block, but I always find that when I force myself to sketch quickly, and get as many ideas down on a page, I then get into the swing of things and find something I like and can work with. Also, although when I'm stuck with ideas I dislike I don't ever want to show people, I've always found showing a tutor or my fellow fashion students really helpful, as then you begin to bounce ideas of each other. Plus they may need you to do the same in future. Or if you want to avoid comparing your work to those of your course friends, show someone who's not on your course and ask them what they think.
    This comment ended up being a bit of an essay- the main thing I wanted to say was you're seriously not alone in thinking like this. Good luck with the project! :)
    -- AshCam | http://ashcam22.blogspot.co.uk/
    (side-note: I love your blog!)

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  2. I'm right there with you. My blog has just been forgotten now which is making me sad, but if I'm not doing uni work I feel guilty. I think that's what people who haven't been students don't get. It's literally 24/7, I can't remember the last time I had a day that I didn't think about uni work, weekends are non-existent

    x
    www.siobhanrothwell,com

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  3. I completely agree with you, it is easy to put on a smile and fake happy as it's easier to get along with people etc which is why my depression didn't get sorted out for four years, people think that if you look fine you are fine which is insanity! xxxx

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  5. Love this post, I have OCD as well and it's a bit sucky. When people are like just get over stop overthinking things, I don't think they actually realise it's not that easy. When things get a bit much I just try to find as much things to do to distract myself, activities or hobbies. Good luck to us and everyone else out there! Love the blog xxx

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  7. I have had these EXACT feelings before, and Im willing to bet loooooads of people have! It's absolutely shit, but you aren't alone! We're all here :) I found something that helped me in the past was to keep an inspiration board (maybe pinterest) that inspires me close by, but as soon as you've done it, shut down all social media, no internet if you dont need it, - and literally just concentrate on that one task. Dont allow any distractions, apart from ones that inspire you. For example I always have music on as it inspires me SO much, but do whatever works for you. And remember to be kinder to yourself. In 5 years you'll look back at this and be amazed at how worried you were, I promise! You're doing BRILLIANTLY and I think you need a reminder of that :) <3 xxx

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  8. ah hunni,i can relate 100% to this.It is a fab post and well done you for writing it.Someone once said to me "i wish i was like you with not a care in the world and always happy", this has haunted me for years as it is so untrue and almost every day i think about what was said to me and feel so sad! Hang on in there hunni and believe in yourself,you are one of the most amazing people i have ever got to know and what makes you this is the fact that you are yourself.Someday others will understand exactly what it is all about and respect it xxx

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  9. It can be so hard to keep it together when all you want to do is stay in bed and avoid the world... I love reading posts like this because it makes me realise we're never alone. You are so creative! Your blog design is so amazing and all your different posts make me think .. Why did I not come up with something like that. You inspire me all the time and I know you inspire so many other people too! Maybe try writing out a list of all the amazing things about yourself and all the wonderful things you have achieved. :) stay strong Kayleigh, you're amazing :) x

    http://littlemissmexo.com

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  10. I can definitely relate, everyone around seems to think I am the most happiest person around. I am always described as the happy and smiley person but I don't feel like that at all and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about. You concentrate on your work and finish your final year. Your blog is still going to be here and your readers.

    Zeynab x
    The Beauty Load

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  11. This takes me back I hate getting creative block but I find looking at other people's work sparks off ideas and it's so easy to slip into the state of mind that you aren't good enough even with blogs but I think to myself there is always going to be someone better than me so that's why I need to be different and stand out from them.

    I think you need to get away from computer screens go to a cafe, read a book, take a bath as I never have ideas when im stressed and put pressure on myself I really struggled with my final project and I had a chat to my tutor about my ideas and he just shot them down which made me feel awful but then he took me to this cafe and introduced me to the owners and there was my project to rebrand for them and I had my own clients

    Don't worry about your blog we will still be here if you don't post for weeks everyone gets busy and we understand that

    Leanne | www.oohsimplething.blogspot.co.uk

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  12. Oh Kayleigh, don't worry you're really not alone! Have you tried just working from home instead of going to the library? Last year when I was writing my dissertation I had so many issues (complete lack of supervisor for an entire semester, feeling completely lost and confused and having the worst case of writers block!) and I came to realise the library was such a negative place for me. I actually developed such bad anxiety I started panicking when I stepped into the library and it got to the point where I'd look at the screen for 5 minutes, become so frustrated and anxious about the looming deadline I had to leave to lie down to try and calm myself and have a good cry! I'd never felt so out of control in my life. I find that you constantly worry about what others are doing in the library and start comparing yourself and for creative work like ours it's really not a good thing to do! I found that talking over my ideas to a friend or even just myself in my bedroom helped me organise my thoughts too and working in your bedroom is so much more comfortable -you get to stay in your pjs and you save so much time not getting ready and walking into Uni!

    Try not to panic, believe me you'll make it to the end of May and you'll definitely surprise yourself with your amazing mark! And if blogging needs to take back then just stop - I promise nobody will forget about you!

    Becki | www.beautyandthebrunette.co.uk
    xxx

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  13. Time for a longer response than what I can tweet you! I'm so glad you posted this, makes me feel better i'm not the only one and it couldn't have come at a better time as I was lying in bed in the middle of the day not getting up when I read it. Everyday I say I will get up at a proper time the next day and everyday I fail. Then when I do I just waste time doing nothing, getting ready or watching stuff on my laptop.I really shouldn't have come back to uni. When I have a full-time job I am alright with getting up etc. Not that I like it but everyone struggles with getting out of bed but we do it because there are implications if we don't turn up to work. But when no-one is going to reprimand you for not going to the library that day then there is a lot less motivation to do anything. I really struggle with motivating myself when there is nothing making me. I wrote a post about this topic yesterday if you fancy a look: http://www.amynmore.co.uk/2015/11/struggling-with-education.html

    The only thing I can say to you is that is 6 weeks until I presume you will be going home for Christmas and after that 5 months that will probably whizz by until you finish. I'd love to hear if you manage to find any ways to work more efficiently, please do more of these posts, they're great :) xx

    Amy at Amy & More

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  14. I relate to this post so much. I am kind of glad that you posted this as I now know that I am not alone? Also, don't worry about your blog. I'm sure your readers will understand :)
    http://www.sarahlouisewalker.co.uk/ xx

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  15. I'm so hard on myself sometimes and totally relate to the nasty inner voice - we can be our own worst critics! I'm usually a positive person but I'm obviously not happy all the time and it's easy to pun on a smile to hide all the insecurities, anxiety and stress. So you're definitely not alone in this!
    I already graduated this june but when I was at uni or even school I didn't like to compare my work to others because it mostly made me feel like mine wasn't good enough... So my tips are: maybe try a different place than the library to get your work done, search through Pinterest for inspiration and remember to be kinder to yourself - I know it's easier said then done, but you are enough and every creative goes through ruts once in a while. Wish you the best of luck for this last year! :) x

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  16. I go through this routine every single day! Being an anxiety sufferer it sucks! Every day I have that voice that tells me I can't do it or that my work isn't as good as anyone else's which is ridiculous considering I'm doing nursing and everyone's work is practically the same!
    I think people need to be more away of the effects of mental illnesses especially ones like OCD and anxiety and panic disorder. It's not a nice thing and yes it may be "in our head" but isn't that the reason for a mental illness? We can't help it! And we can't control that voice!
    I am glad that someone understands it though! And I hope you get your dissertation done :)

    All the best lovely! Xxx

    Littlerenblog.blogspot.com

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  17. Sending love. Sometimes, even though you "think" you shouldn't be writing this post you might feel so much better for getting those thoughts out of your head & you might wake up feeling much more enthusiastic!
    Bee | QueenBeady.com

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  18. I know exactly where you're coming from. It's so easy to be your own worst enemy. I really struggle to be positive, for me it just depends what I feel like that day whether I'll be able to work or not. Sometimes you just need a few off days to get yourself back to where you need to be. Best to get this all or your chest, I've always wanted to xx

    Tamz || http://www.throughneweyesx.com

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  19. I can completely empathise with this. I've suffered from OCD and anxiety since I was about 7, and it's relatively in check now unless I get really stressed. Sometimes it can be really hard to stop putting yourself down or feeling like a failure.

    I try to write check lists of what I want to do and plan in advance to break the bigger things down - it might be a cheat but you feel like you've achieved more and I find that helps. And sometimes, you just need to take time out to relax. That's why I like to try and plan things in advance so that if I feel I need a break, I can have one without feeling like I can't.

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