Today’s post is going to be a little bit different today, kind of written in a story tale manner, a sneaky glimpse into my thoughts at the moment. It isn’t the most positive of posts, something I usually try to avoid on VBC, but I do think it is a important one. I still don’t think mental health is taken seriously enough, and it really should be.
I get told a lot that I look really happy all that time, so I can’t suffer from OCD? But that just isn’t the case sadly. My picture above, I look really happy, but you will see below that I am not really. Just because someone looks happy on the outside, doesn’t mean they are happy on the inside, please do remember that, if that is all you remember from this post.
Say something kind to someone today, it could really make their entire day, week, month, year, life.
Hope you enjoy the post guys, do let me know your thoughts in the comments!
8am – *Beeeeeep* *Beeeeeep*
Ugh, not time to get up again… I don’t want to face the world today, can I just have 15 more minutes please? *Snoozes* *again* *again *again*
9.30am – Okay, should probably get up now Kayleigh, you said that you wanted to be super productive today, if you don’t get up now, you are going to fail your final year at university, what a waste of money that would be?! Your parents are going to be so so disappointed in you…. … how would you tell them?
10.30am – Okay so I am up, off to the library I go. But I just don’t feel AT ALL creative today. I can’t spend my day AGAIN staring at a blank piece of paper in my sketchbook. I am trying to remain calm but my deadline is in like a week, what on EARTH am I going to do? I wish a juicy, visually pleasing idea would just fall onto my page, or at least into my head. Creative block sucks man….
12pm – How about have a browse at some graphic design online? Grab a bit of inspiration, talk to your friends, see how their projects are going? Oh man, I wish I didn’t speak to anyone.. their ideas and graphics are amazing / gorgeous. You can’t do this. You aren’t creative enough, you are doing the wrong course.
1pm – LUNCHTIME. Thank god. Do you even deserve a lunchtime since you still haven’t done any productive work? But of course you have to eat… let’s watch some Netflix… do I really want to look at another screen? Probably not…. proper wasting my subscription here… you are wasting so much money at the moment Kayleigh, you need to stop spending so much, what happens if you run out?
1.30pm – Do I dare take a peek at my blog emails? I don’t know… you really shouldn’t have left them to pile up for two weeks, that was silly of you wasn’t it. Now I am just too anxious to look at them, what if I have let people down – man I have so many posts that *need* doing. I am also way too busy to pick up anymore commitments at the moment too 🙁
If you don’t keep up blogging, people are going to lose interest in your blog.
2pm – Back to the library. Time to stare at a blank sheet of paper again……….
4pm – OOOOH. A lightbulb moment, I HAVE AN IDEAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Let’s get to work.
6pm – Oh. It didn’t turn out like I had hoped, why does it never turn out how you imagine it in your head? You have a really amazing idea in your head Kayleigh, but that work on your piece of paper is just awful. You are either going to have to present that to your group tomorrow, or present nothing at all. Life hey.
I can’t carry on with uni work right now, I just feel so so sad. But I dare not show it. Got to keep that BIG smile on my face, can’t let anyone think that anything is wrong. They might then ask questions… and then you might c r y. like proper, ugly cry.
You were doing so well on placement year, you even felt your OCD had improved. HAHA. you were wrong. I am still here.
7pm – You aren’t getting anywhere with this work, so why are you even bothering to stay in the library? You should just go home. OH, but you haven’t done anything worthwhile all day, so whatever you do when you get home, you are going to feel bad about, because you could be ‘working’ instead. There is no relaxation until May, when you finish your degree. If. you finish your degree.
8pm – Food time, but you are going to eat it quick, and attempt to do some of your dissertation before bedtime.
*ends up being distracted by fun things that housemates are doing*
11pm – Oh I feel so guilty. I hate myself.
All your housemates are asleep, but you can’t sleep. You haven’t done enough today! They deserve their sleep, they have done loads of work. Stop comparing yourself Kayleigh, but it is the truth, you just don’t deserve to sleep until you at least have completed some work. Oh god, I don’t have anything to show at the session tomorrow, everyone is going to have loads. You are going to look silly, like you haven’t even tried, but you have, you just aren’t getting anywhere.
2am – Can’t sleep, too anxious about deadlines, life, and what tomorrow will bring. Shall I get up and do some work? May as well do some if I am just lying here.
4am – Eventually sleep, but up in 4 hours….. not a great start for the next day is it really.
& it repeats.
Hope you enjoyed this post lovelies, I realise this post makes me seem a little bit nuts, does anyone else ever feel like this? Does anyone have any techniques to share to get out of this rut? I try to be a positive person for the majority of the time, but I am really struggling with motivation at the moment.
I really didn’t have time to write this at all to be honest – I am hating on myself for writing it instead of putting my energy into writing my dissertation, but I really felt I needed to vent my thoughts out, and oh it has helped 🙂 BRING ON MAY
ALSO, my tutor told me today to stop being so hard on myself, I guess it is hard when my nasty inner voice is saying all the above ^^ to me, but please Kayleigh, stop being so hard on yourself deary.
I am trying my absolute best to keep my blog up whilst completing my final year!!!!! I miss you 🙁
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