It really does hurt me to continuously begin my blog posts with “I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in so long etc etc” and once again, yes it has been about three weeks since my last post. I haven’t really felt like writing recently, which will explain why I have been more active on Youtube lately.
I’m not going to apologise anymore. I’ve been strong enough to admit that I have not been happy at all, and I have not been okay. But that is okay. It is okay to not be okay, the hardest part quite often is admitting that you are not okay. I’ve recognised that I haven’t been okay, and I have taken a step back – on blogging, on University, on most things really.
I’ve felt rather numb recently, and I feel like this blog post will give you a bit of a sense of what has been going on in my mind, I have been trying to explain it to people, but I know I am much better at writing it than speaking it. I’m only a few sentences into this blog post, and I already feel so much better, I always forget how this blogging malarkey makes me feel better, and why I began this berry filled space in the first place.
With the recent, very sad, loss of my friend Olivia, my mind has very much been on a never ending vicious spiral. What is the point in life? If someone can be so kind, so gentle, so hardworking, why should she be taken away? I feel like a useless body… Why am I still here? What even is my purpose at all….
On one hand I have these above thoughts, I don’t want to die, but I do question far too deeply why I am even here. These thoughts are painful, and I just never want to be awake. Sleep is my only safe place, and even that is currently being crushed with horrible nightmares lately.
On another hand, it makes me worry about death too too too much. No-one should die at 22 years old. I am currently self diagnosing myself to the max, trying to avoid googling my symptoms where I can… but I have been occasionally. I feel weak, like all of my efforts to treat / overcome my OCD symptoms have been crushed. I want to be better, but I feel I am getting back into my old habits.
Can you really live your life to the full, when all you think about is, when and how you are going to die?
These thoughts are weird, because they make me feel so sad and mopey, but at the same time they do make me want to really get on with my life, be successful, live that life that some people would have wished and fought so hard for – had their life not been cut a lot shorter than it was supposed to. I just need that little push of motivation to get me off the ground.
“Life is precious” is what my dissertation supervisor said to me last week. Our dissertation meetings have kinda turned more into counselling sessions at the moment, rather than the discussion of my work. But she is right. Not to put a downer on your day or anything, but this moment, right now, is the youngest you will ever be….. make the most of your time, make a few changes in your life if you need to. Fulfil that precious life of yours.
A Few Thoughts
Will it will make you happy? Buy it.
This is kind of my philosophy at the moment. Obviously, you can’t do this with everything in the world – there are limits. But when you’re next in town, and you see a coat or dress that you really like. Buy it. Life is too short to be overly picky about money. It is only money. I’m not saying to go crazy with your money, but a small treat every so often can’t hurt right? The chance is you will probably buy the item when you are next in town anyway…… this also applies to food and trying to decide whether you want to be good and have grapes, or bad and have cheesecake. Is this even a question? Go for the cheesecake -Cough Ash Cough-
Cut out the negative people in your life.
How are you supposed to feel happy in your life if you are surrounded by people that get a thrill out of making you feel rubbish? Happiness is deciding who these people are, and slowly cutting them out of your everyday life. Obviously everyone is allowed their sad times and reasons to not be the most positive beans on the planet (I am indeed one of these!!!) but people that target you to make themselves feel better are not what you need. At all.
Be nice to people.
Similarly to the above, but the other way round. There just isn’t time in our life to be nasty to people. Seriously what is the point, does it make you feel better? Once again, life is too short. Say something nice and spontaneous to someone today, it will probably make their day. This applies to real life, and on social media. Why are people being unnecessarily nasty on Twitter lately? C’mon guys. Peace and love.
Books and fresh air can restore your happiness.
I’ve been reading and going for a walk each day, both for about an hour each, sometimes more.
Reading is always brilliant escapism. You can pretend you are living a different life, even just for an hour. You can either read books to do with healing the mind, such as Reasons To Stay Alive, but I find that all fiction books are amazing too. I am currently reading “Am I Normal Yet” by Holly Bourne, and it really is incredible. Reading makes me happy.
The walk is amazing. I treat it as a time to be away from my phone also. I walk at a heart racing pace, and just let any thoughts I have come to me. Walking is thinking time. Anything that has been winding me up, gets put aside until walking time. I fight these thoughts, against the wind, rain, sunshine, whatever the weather is that day. These walks are saving my life.
Sorry if things got a little bit deep on VBC today, but I do aim to be talking about ‘life’ quite often on here over the next few weeks or so, since it is what is currently keeping my mind far too occupied! And hey, Very Berry Cosmo is a LIFESTYLE blog, so let’s talk all about life! – I like to be honest on here, and these next few posts will really be coming straight from my heart.
This may not even make sense, it is 3am currently. Oppsie! Thank you for all your lovely support as always, I would feel oh so incredibly alone without all of you right now.
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