Happy February……… I’m so sorry guys. I haven’t blogged at all this month, and that really is atrocious, I apologise greatly. It makes me feel like such a failure, and it makes me think that you guys are all going to forget who I am, that makes me really sad, but I hope not true!
Life sure has been rocky, and probably quite different to the ‘exciting 2016‘ I had in mind towards the end of last year. It’s okay to think this. It is okay to feel disappointed with how the year has started, but hey, we are only in the second month of the year, there are still 300+ days to enjoy, cherish, and shape the way you want to. Things can only get better. *I hope*
Can I just finish this please? I am so done with University now. Talking to my doctor earlier this week reminded me how much I miss having a structure. A nice working structure, 9-5, something to do every single day. Now I am in my final semester of Uni, it is all very independent, very limited contact time a week, with the expectation that you spend hours designing each week.
This doesn’t really happen so much with an anxiety driven mind. My doctor and I have been trying to implement my own daily structure, but I find it hard to stick to, there aren’t any consequences *really* if you don’t entirely stick to it, and the minute I have a worry moment I just want to get in the bath, or in bed, and not be awake. It’s safe to say I am really struggling, a lot has happened in the space of 4 weeks, and I really am trying.
My University really are great though. I am blessed to have such a supportive, understanding set of tutors, if any of you are struggling, please do tell your Uni or anyone, they only want to help you.
So, what am I working on at the moment? Well, that lovely thing…. the word itself may keep you up at night because you are working on yours too, or you can remember it like a distant nightmare. That is right. My dissertation. I am really interested in the topic I am working on, but that still doesn’t mean I want to write 12,000 words on it. I can ramble on about my life for hours on this blog, and write thousands and thousands of words, but the minute you ask me to write academically, and tell me it will be assessed, I just freak out, and stare at a blank page for hours. So that’s fun.
The other piece of work, is my big final project. I am looking to educate people about what OCD really is like, through a range of designs. I really am very excited about this project, it feels important, and personal to me, which should drive me to succeed.
Keep your eyes out for the launch of my OCD blog, which should be around soon!
Relationships and Tinder
After recent events… I am on Tinder! I just thought. Why not. I felt so low, so unloved, so pooey and ugly and gross after my break up, I just needed a little pick me up, that little confidence boost. Tinder has quite a bad reputation, and yes there are some *interesting* characters on there, that is for sure.
If you follow Vix, you will see her occasional Tinder updates on Twitter, they are hilarious. But in all seriousness, I have had some wonderful conversations with some guys on this app. I might not be using it correctly, because I just keep talking about cats, and how I think they should all start their own blogs, but it has been a fun experience. I am currently talking to a really lovely guy from there, he makes me smile, giggle, and blush. Taking it very slow, one step at a time, no expectations, not jinxing anything, but he is making me a happy girl at the moment, and that is all that matters I guess.
Ever thought of getting Tinder? Hey, lots of people I know are in very happy relationships from this app, so it is worth a go!
I’d love to Youtube more. I began ‘weekly vlogging’ before Christmas, before everything went *wrong* and I really enjoyed it. I stopped doing it lately because I don’t think you want to see me moping about in my bed for the majority of it, but maybe in the next few weeks, I have quite a few lovely plans coming up, my birthday etc, so I would love to crack my camera out again!
The thing I love about Youtube, is that it is different. I love blogging, I really do, I love writing, I love expressing myself in words, but lately I just haven’t wanted to write anything on my laptop, because writing is associated with my dissertation, and that is gross. Vlogging offers a different way to express my feelings and creativity, and I really like that. Your feedback from my latest vlog makes me cry, you cutie patooties. *all the kissy emojis*
Here is the video if you hadn’t already seen it, please do subscribe and join me on my Youtube adventures!
I don’t want to write this. It makes it real. But Olivia deserves this paragraph. Earlier this week, very very sadly, a lovely friend that I met at the start of first year passed away. Life is cruel. Life is unfair. I’ve experienced a huge range emotions because of this. Shock. It was so unexpected, I still don’t believe it. I’ve been pretty speechless about this whole situation until now. Sadness. We have lost a truly amazing girl, in fact, probably the loveliest, kindest, gentlest person I have ever come across. I will miss her smile. Anger. It’s not fair. She totally 100000% didn’t deserve this. She worked so hard, all the time. She had so much more to give.
Anxiety. Death makes me feel anxious, it is practically the feeder of my OCD habits. It really puts life into perspective. Life is short. You need to do what makes you happy ALL of the time. Fulfil that life of yours to the best of your ability. Make beautiful memories. You can be selfish, think of yourself, but also hold those people you love, oh so tightly. You don’t know when it will be the last time you see them. I send so much love to Olivia’s close friends and family at this awful time. Big hugs and kisses to my housemate Kate, Olivia really did love you so so much.
Rest In Peace Olivia, the world has lost an angel this week <3
Thank you for reading my ‘little’ life update guys…. it was a lot longer than I imagined, oops! I hope I can post more consistently from now on, I’ve had a little time to myself, that I needed and I am now ready to continue fighting, I am becoming a stronger woman each and everyday. I love it, and I love all of you lovelies for helping me reach there.
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