I’ve missed you all so much. But here I am, almost three weeks later, and nearly at the end of January. (oh my gosh) January has been both slow and quick at the same time. I also admit that it has been quite pooey. Three deadlines later, Three all nighters later, and I am incredibly happy to be on the other side! I also got some results back from one of them, and it went so well and I am so so happy with them! Pass the champers!
University results might be going fine and dandy, but you could say my love life is quite rocky. I don’t think anyone can ever prepare you for how difficult a long distance relationship can be.
I’m writing this on a Friday night, alone, whilst all my housemates are out at a party. I’ve pretty much spent the evening in the dark, looking at the ceiling. I feel numb. I feel like I can’t really ‘feel anything anymore’. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be loved, and that makes me feel sad.
My sleeping at the moment is awful. Just truly awful. I put this down to starting fluoxetine, but I also believe that my mind is racing far too much at the moment. I get into bed, and I don’t switch off. My heart starts beating far too much, yano like when you’re running? (ha I never run, but you get me) It races. It pounds. My mind doesn’t like me very much. It tells me mean, nasty things. I need to be cuddled next to someone at night, and be told that everything will all be okay.
Long distance relationships are tricky. There is no doubt about it. Hey, if you have managed a LDR for a substantial amount of time, then go you, because you are awesome.
I’m sure I’m not alone here. I have my questions, I have my doubts. Does he still love me? Does he want to be with me? What if he finds someone new in his new town? Would I even know if he was seeing someone else? Will he forget me? Am I stupid to even be thinking this?
Obviously, all very unhealthy thoughts to have on a daily basis. It drains me, and makes me feel sad. I don’t feel I deserve to feel like this all the time, and it really comes down to trust, and communication. I do trust that he will be faithful, I just think it’s really hard, when it feels like he is so far away, and that he doesn’t really know anything about me at the moment. It is like there is a huge wall between us, and I guess that is when my paranoid voice comes along. We don’t talk or see each other, anywhere near as much as I would like to… but I hope we can work it out.
Sometimes you need to just put on a face of make up, and a smile, it’s nice to feel pretty sometimes and maybe you can fool someone into thinking you’re really happy.
I still want this to work. I still love him. I hope he feels the same.
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