A quick rambly post today because I don’t really have the time to blog, but I just feel sad and insanely anxious. I feel bad because it’s December and everyone is uploading happy, positive, Blogmas posts, and here I am about to put a downer on it all, but I need it out of my system.
I began this blog last year because I felt lonely, but I also needed distraction from my OCD. This little place of mine on the internet was where I would go to relieve my stress – writing really has the ability to heal the mind and lift any weight off of your shoulders. Kind of like talking to someone and just letting everything out, except it feels easier, and okay to cry whilst you are tucked up in bed writing away, people cannot see you.
With deadlines looming, I sadly don’t have the time to blog so much, if at all really. It makes me feel so s a d. But I also didn’t realise how much it would effect my OCD symptoms. My blog has had such a big impact on my life, so much so that…
I thought I was getting better.
I’d been seeing great improvements in my symptoms, spending less time worrying about contamination in the kitchen, less time generally spent on hand washing, checking things less, basically all of the things that were really really bad last year. I still spend longer than the average person, and I still have my really really terrible days, but I’d seen, and felt an improvement and that felt really great.
But. Those symptoms have only been replaced with some new ones, lucky me huh? Ones that are spiraling out of control, and ones that I’m currently struggling to manage at all really. I’m completely and utterly obsessed with having ‘a productive day’ and if I don’t have one, I. hate. myself. and my mind tells me all sorts of horrible things, and then it comes to the next day and I just can’t concentrate, thus making it another unproductive day. OCD really is a condition that takes up a lot of time, and energy. Lists are another one. I can’t stop writing them. And I know lots of people write lists, but when your whole world is fixated on and around these certain lists, it is very hard to get anything done.
The realisation that I am not getting better is a tough one to digest. It makes me feel incredibly weak, but it is probably a good thing, because it means I can try and do something about it. My first big deadline is in 5 / 6 days, and I have a lot to do this week, maybe impossible amounts. I’ve kindly been offered an extension just in case, but my bully of a mind is telling me I don’t deserve it, so I am feeling rather lost right now.
People often say I am really brave for writing these posts, and I guess I am. But at the same time, I just want to scream and shout about what it is like to actually live with OCD, compared to what the media says about it. It is so much more than what people say, and I want people to know.
Thanks for reading my ramble lovelies, I would appreciate any love, support, and positive vibes sent my way. Sometimes I feel that your comments are the only thing that make me carry on. I’m sorry if my content isn’t what you originally came to Very Berry Cosmo for, but all my posts are coming from the heart at the moment. I will be back soon, you might just need to bear with me for a little bit more.
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